People-Pleaser vs. People Manager
“She’s not trying to please us” she said to me.
This friend was repeating something I’d said about people I knew who refered to themselves as “people-pleaser” but seemed anything but!
They were forceful, often trying to micro-manage others and seemed to only think of themselves
Where they that unaware of themselves?
Maybe.
But I’ve also come to observe, with my clients and my own codependency recovery journey, that the label people-pleaser has become a catch-all term, even when the relational strategy at play doesn’t reflect it.
Yes, at an underlying level, people pleasers and people managers are both trying to make sure others feel content, safe and stable.
But they go about it in such different ways.
Let’s break down the relational strategies of People-Pleasers vs. People-Managers, how to spot the difference, and a few practical places to start to shift out of these codependent states.
The People-Pleaser
Key Traits:
Chronic Agreeableness: Saying yes constantly to other in order to avoid disappointing them.
Fear of Conflict: Avoiding disagreements or confrontations at all costs, often through silence.
Self-Sacrifice: Putting others’ needs and wellbeing ahead of your own, leading to cycles of burnout.
Validation-Seeking: Feeling worthy only when others like or praise you.
Anger Suppression: Not being able to engage with your anger to discern boundaries or raise necessary feedback to create improvements in intimate relationships or friendships
The Impact of People-Pleasing:
Becoming disconnected from or unaware of your own desires, preferences and needs
Burning out physically, mentally or emotionally from lack of boundaries
Leaves you feeling invisible or unloved in your own life
Rumination or mental overwhelm from the anxiety of how to please or if you pleased enough
Staying in unsatisfying, non-reciprocal or incompatible intimate relationships or friendships
The People-Manager
Key Traits:
Fix-It Mentality: Believing that your value is in solving or guiding people through their problems
Subtle Control: Offering unsolicited advice or stepping in to “help” when it is unneeded or requested
Over-Responsibility: Feeling responsible for others’ emotions, decisions, or well-being - and especially the outcome of how those are handled.
Anticipation of Needs: Trying to predict needs, outcome or issues (for others, for the day, for you, for the group, for life in general) to try to minimize discomfort.
Approval-Seeking: Downplaying or repressing your own needs, especially emotional, to appear capable, strong and “right” in the eyes of others (and avoiding rejection or failure).
The Impact of People-Managing:
Becoming hyper-vigilant of themselves, others and their environment
Burning out physically and mentally from trying to manage everyone’s sense of stability
Leaves you feeling resentful, chaotic and untrusting of others and life
Creates emotional repression and a lack of emotional & relational safety, intimacy and contentment
Staying in one-sided connections that can feel “fake” or false as time passes
The Overlap: Codependency
At their core, both People-Pleasers and People Managers struggle with the same codependency markers:
Both Fear rejection, discomfort or abandonment
Both believe that love and their worthiness must be earned
Both enmesh other people’s experiences or feelings with their own
Both struggle to trust others to handle their own emotions or responsibilities
Both externally focus on others more than focusing on themselves or their own life
Both Sacrifice their physical, mental, emotional and relational needs to the point of self-loss
Both feel emotionally or mentally imbalanced, out of control or overwhelmed a majority of the time
Notice how these patterns aren’t about genuinely connecting with others…
They’re about controlling, managing or influencing the relational dynamic or how others perceive you, to feel safe or calm again in the situation or relationship.
Whether you’re over-pleasing or over-managing, the result is the same:
Exhaustion, resentment, unhappy connections and a lack of true intimacy and safety.
First Steps Toward Change
Step One: Become Aware of Your Relational Tactics.
Ask Yourself:
Do I say “yes” because I want to, or because I’m afraid of saying “no”? (People-Pleaser)
Do I feel compelled to step in and fix things, even when no one asks for my help? (People Manager)
Do I feel guilty when I focus on my own needs or let others handle their own problems? (Both)
Observe and make note (but resist the urge to ruminate or repeat the story over and over again) of how you are relating, your relational actions and what you wanted in that moment.
Becoming aware of your own relating, bringing the focus back to YOU, can feel tricky if you are used to thinking, talking or being aware of everyone else.
Yet, this is where the healing all begins.
Step Two: For People Pleasers…
Practice noticing your TRUE yes and your FALSE yes: Before you can communicate your preferences, needs or boundaries, you may find it easier to just start noticing when a yes (or a “what ever you want”) felt true afterwards or felt false afterwards. In time, knowing what you experience when you are saying a false yes will support you to begin to use the word “no.”
Please Your Needs: Look at yourself as you do the people in your life - what do your experience physically? Emotionally? What would someone experiencing those things need? What would support them or please them? (hey, you know how to spot that!). Begin to please yourself the way you would others, prioritizing not being in conflict with yourself or your life.
Breathe and Sit With Discomfort: When you say no or someone else is showing discomfort, practice taking 1 long breath before you say or do anything. Then 2. Learning to tolerate when someone else is uncomfortable or feeling disappointment or displeasure often simply starts with not jumping in to change it.
Step Two: For People Managers…
Notice Your Inner Chaos: Managers often have a chaotic inner experience that they try to calm by thinking it is always caused by the external world or others. What changes when you notice how something external opens the door to a lot of your untended (and so now chaotic) emotions, thoughts and bodily sensations? Are you trying to avoid it by managing the moment? Start noticing the depth of your own untapped emotions (anger, yes, but also grief, anxiety or disappointment).
Pause Before Acting: Before jumping in to help, plan, take over or give advice, simply take a breathe. Then another. Afterwards consider “what are they asking of me?” If they haven’t asked for anything, simply listen. In the listening, notice your own discomfort and see if you can say calming things to it.
Point Them Back To Themselves & Surrender: People are capable of handling their own challenges. Or they learn to be capable by trying to handle their own challenges or make their own decisions. When you notice your urge to take over, influence or advice, make it a self boundary to validate and ask: “Wow, that’s big. How are you thinking of handling that?” This not only reminds them of their own dignity and power to manage their own life while instilling that you see the as capable (how loving), at the same time it also acts as YOUR tangible reminder to ease back from taking responsibility.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re a People-Pleaser who silences themselves or a People Manager who speaks over others…
seeking out awareness and knowledge of these patterns is a really important season in your healing journey.
By seeing and noticing these patterns, you’re already beginning the process of shifting toward more a more easeful, balanced, nourishing and you-included relational strategy.
Still NOT SURE which you are more often? Take the quiz here!
